Gorditas (Or, Self-Reliance: A Modern Myth)

So, remember what I said about being a slacker trying to be a Polymath? Well, what can display a person’s attempts at trying to be good at stuff better than learning how to cook? A tiny, sketchy recipe for Gorditas (the real kind, because FUCK Taco Bell for misinforming people about what a Gordita actually is) will be shown here, but first: a little rant on the myth of “self-reliance” (you can skip this if you please. Recipe is four paragraphs away).

Now, you’re probably thinking, “Oh, look, a hipster trying to justify living on food stamps! A parasite living off of MY fat. Haven’t you read Ayn Rand?! What about that one rambling thing The Last Psychiatrist wrote? And if don’t stop being such a parasite slave-moralist, I will quote Nietzsche at you until you die to death!” This (admitted straw-person) sees effort as a personification, something that has to be represented by at least one great man (hey, they’re the ones who always say it’s a man, not me). Of course, that leaves out…oh, the people who make the tools that allow you be self-efficient in the first place. Roads, hospitals, indoor plumbing, Fleshlights etc..

Now, does that justify massive NSA surveillance, or poor people (always MY people, according to Rush Limbaugh followers) being stuck in a welfare system with little to no way of getting out without some risks that may further ruin them? Hell no, but one cannot just ignore the fact that one stands on the shoulders of giants…giants that are made of suffering little people. Even the Objectivists/Nietzsche wannabes I mocked a few paragraph ago (and I used to be one of them. Looooong story) live on a foundation built by some of the philosophers/developments they explicitly isolate and demonize, but at the expense of things that make them comfortable enough to be so moronic in the first place. Were the U.S. “Founding Fathers” (if not the “Founders” of most governments) not inspired by the philosophical works of Plato, possibly the most idealistic idealist who ever lived? Does the computer technology one uses to expel one’s egotist shit NOT exist due to applied sciences and quantum mechanics? I mean, the former was hated by Nietzsche (because they weren’t not “manly” enough for them), the later is disliked by Ayn Rand and their followers because of a slaving devotion to Aristotle’s logic, to the point where all of recent scientific discovery is dismissed as a nihilistic socialist hoax. Really.

Now, I rant because a person I adore and respect, Alton Brown, once described themselves as “self-reliant” when interviewed by The A.V. Club. Now, I don’t know the person, but my respect for him is there because…I mean, just watch “Good Eats” sometime. His show is basically, in the words of noted movie critic Bob Chipman, Bill Nye The Science Guy for food, and his wacky/smart stuff has certainly empowered me on my quest to try to eat a lot less fast food (Don’t worry, In & Out Burger, you’re still worthy of my drooling embrace). But I’m sure he, a person who is super into Science, realizes that he stands on the shoulders of giants, living in a complex and beautiful (yet awful and fucked up) world that allows him to be able to make Ice Cream in an machine, with various components made in different parts of planet Earth.

But what do I know? I’m just a leech living off the freeways and indoor plumbing of civilization (made on land that is stolen, but I’ll leave that can of worms for people smarter than I).


So…gorditas. This was something I just came up with out of the blue, so it’s pretty sketchy. Very little exact measurements are given, save for the spices. I’ve marked some…questionable portions so you can decide for yourself what to add, what not to add…then again, the entire recipe is in your hands, so go wild.

Gorditas with Coconut Rice and Crab

– Crab (cooked obviously. In my situation, I used canned crab from The Shadowy International German Corporatio- I mean, Trader Joes), mixed with…

-1/4 teaspoon Chipotle,

-1/4 teaspoon Ancho Chili,

-1/4 teaspoon Cayenne Pepper,

-1/4 teaspoon powdered onion (or you can opt for raw onions. You don’t have to imitate my broke ass).

All of this mixed, then sprayed with liberal doses of…

-Lime juice.

In my attempt, I also added some Advocado Oil. Yes, there is a such a thing. No, I don’t think it added anything. Like I said, just modify this to suit your hunger.

– Rice cooked with Coconut Milk. I used a cheap rice cooker. I know, I’m lazy as fuck, aren’t I?

– Masa Harina, mixed with a bit of salt and some water. Form these into balls and then smack them into small patties.

– Oil in a skillet to fry the Masa Harina patties. On medium heat, for four minutes on each side. Look, just use any oil you want, I don’t know. Wait, not Walnut Oil or Coconut Oil. Peanut Oil would be overkill…or would it?

After frying the patties, cut the things half way in the middle with a knife, like you’re cutting a really flat orange in half down the middle. Then, stuff them with the rice and crab until they’re close to bursting. Hey, if a gordita isn’t messy, something must be wrong, am I right?

And so it is, a hashed-together Gordita recipe that will probably freak out some people because of how…slapdash it is. To me, this feels like a weird mash-up of my stereotypical dreams of going to a Pacific Island and my current life by the Mexican border. Fusion food can be absolutely catastrophic in some cook’s hands, but hey, I’m just feeding myself, so if I die there will at least be some insurance…oh, wait. Ahahahaha…haha.

Ha.


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