I’m back. But I’m going to provide an explanation.
I’ve been wanting to do something different, but only because I’m afraid of being undeserving of this space. “If its not revolutionary, its not worth doing” is a philosophy I’ve had drilled into my head for a long time. In my previous post, I talked about how I wanted to do different things, while stating that I wished to share my thoughts on some recent movies and other works of art. I talked about how I struggled with the idea of me being in any way significant when the world is on fire and many others are already sharing their thoughts. I both feel like I am in competition with and unworthy of dozens of other writers, even those who don’t comment on the same things I do. And I want to somehow be unique, bring something to the table that others cannot.
That is a very unhealthy way to approaching one’s one work.
It’s unhealthy because I have been imposing upon myself unreasonable, perfectionistic standards out of a sense of duty. I’ve been doing that to myself because I am afraid of harsh judgement, which one would think I would’ve gotten over in over 2 years since I decided to host this website. But it still drives me, and it’s an awful motivator. One thing about me is that I am very attentive to criticism. People in the organizations I work for know that I am one who asks a lot of questions about my work, ask for improvements and feedback because somehow I always sense that there is something, somewhere, where it is lacking. It’s the same for my editor, Shae, who has presented some helpful advice that I am just now beginning to apply, trying to break out of some bad writing habits which I am restraining myself from beating myself up over. And other people in my life have been trying to help me as well.
The problem is that I have been overworking myself. It’s not just organizational/political work I do, but also my day job. Where I live, things are getting more expensive and I have to make do with less. I have been campaigning for people in need, both locally and in various websites like Twitter. It is all to try to dislodge this idea that somehow I am not enough, and that my efforts are a waste of time. I’ve been internalizing the cruelty and ignorance of others as if it has been my fault. Because that’s what a good person is supposed to do, right? But I hate it.
None of this is new if you know me personally. It’s just that I’ve been struggling to get past it all for so long. I’ve been so afraid of producing anything because I want it to be perfect. Because somehow I want to be beyond the disingenuousness, fragility and ugliness of online discourse. But the truth is no one is. So now what? Well, one way I know to cope with this is to simply keep on keeping on, but also to just relax. I’ve turned a space of passion and love into a proving ground that only exists in my head. And as much as capitalism, imperialism and colonialism crush all life and passion between cogs, somehow my agency still matters. Somehow I still have a choice to at least try to approach things in a healthy matter, where I am not hurting myself before other people who aren’t even interested in me might just because what I contribute isn’t immediately making the world into a perfect place that they want. “If its not revolutionary, its not worth doing” is a great rhetorical device to critique the limits of representation in politics and media, but it is an awful motivator for doing anything that actually helps people, because nothing that one does may be revolutionary due to the constrains. But it doesn’t mean that therefore one should just give up. No one was born having already read Gramsci, after all.
Being revolutionary is a process.
So, again, I’m back. For one, I’m going to establish a schedule, at least a soft kind. Every week I’m going to write about a piece of media and just post it. No matter how short or long, something will be posted. It may be complete nonsense. Maybe I’ll hit onto something. Of course I will dedicate myself to making something substantial but I also want to enjoy this again. So I will attempt to post something every Friday PDT/PST, on whatever piece of media I want to talk about at the moment. Don’t hold me to this, just know that you will be hearing (reading?) my rambling on stuff sometime soon.